Life has its ups and downs.

When I was growing up in school I had this feeling that kids and their parents were judging me and/or my parents. My parents did have problems. My mom drank too much and my dad had a crack addiction. Now they were both crack cocaine addicts but my mom also liked to drink alcohol. When I was at school I had this feeling that kids didn't really want to be my friend they were just pretending. I overcame this idea by meeting people on the street like in my apartment's or in my neighborhood and at school. Eventually I found people that would relate to me and they liked me because of the things that I liked. This made it exciting to be myself. Since my household in the biggening was dysfunctional I had to grow up and mature pretty quickly by the age of 5. I knew what drugs were. I knew what sex was. I knew what death was I just didn't really understand what it meant at this time. And I didn't really understand until I was about 11 or 12 when my dad lost his dad. And I saw how much it hurt to someone to lose someone they loved. 

I learned about death when I was probably about 4 and I told my dad I hated the way that I was feeling. My life felt like total despair and that it would never get better, I hated myself my experience and everyone in it, I wished that it would all die and burn in hell. My dad told me that a lot of people felt the way I felt. Then he told me about God, He said When people were in the old times when Jesus was alive, he said people felt the way that I did And that they were killing each other because of it. He then told me to imagine that I got older and had a wife and kids and had a son, and then gave him to humanity to be killed to be taken from the earth so people would not feel hate in their heart anymore... This blew my 4 year old Mind that God would do that for humanity. It made no sense as to why but I felt awe. I felt revelation. I felt the Godliness that God Is. He told me to always remember that there is God I can look up to and receive my answer for life for. And so this is what I did when I have been in hard times. 

For example, when I was put in foster care when both my parents went to jail, I was probably in foster care for about 3 months. Being away from the people that you know love and support you, It feels like a life time. But while I was in there, I had felt exceedingly alone. One day when I was writing on a paper for homework and I used to make my periods real big and I would color them in a swirl like I was painting, I always wanted to be an artist. But the foster dad there was helping me do my homework one day and asked why I kept making the period so big? I told him i wasn’t sure I liked it, He then told me to stop and that it was stupid that I making them that big. This hurt my spirit. Made me feel less confident in my creative talent. Now one night, the day I had to really use the bathroom and the teacher wouldn’t let me go, And I hated standing up to authority I wanted to be the Good boy, So me being the shy individual I am I felt like I had no choice but to pee on myself. That night I again was hating on myself and the way I felt And my life was starting to feel absolutely

miserable again. So I decided to get on my knees beside my bed and pray, I prayed, God please let me come home to my family I hate my life here, I feel so alone and like no one cares or supports me.

Another Revelation My Foster mom comes and gets me from school one Wednesday early, and I get in the car and she starts to tell me that I get to go stay with my grandma And that we need to go home and pack my things to wait on the Foster care people to take me to my grandmas. Now around this time My moms dad died and she got an inheritance for 100k and that gave them the chance to put a down payment on the house that we live in today. And Buy 2 cars.